My friend asked me the other day “how are you feeling?”  my response was “oddly very good”, however not so odd I believe since all it takes is a simple ‘shift’ in perspective and attitude and anything can happen.

I was going through some very personal stuff with someone who was otherwise, my ‘soul mate’ so I believe he is.  We’ve gone through a 10 year relationship, have gone our separate ways and somehow found our way back to a friendship with the possibility of maybe rekindling what was once our relationship, so I was led to believe.

Unfortunately time showed that not much had changed, as I let him in closer and I allowed my heart to open back up, what felt like ‘games’ began.

From first glance, my first glance, HE was putting me through hell, however on second glance, I was putting myself through hell, I was allowing this to happen to me. I was allowing myself to cry, not get out of bed, to ‘sit’ in the sorrow of having to mourn this loss yet again. After a full week of tears, cord cutting, yet again, and reaching out to like minded friends who understand, came my shift in perspective, it was as simple as this;  Lisa you can either stay here and sit in this until you start to manifest dis-ease which is so easy for the body to do when you have chaos and create blockages in the body from emotional turmoil or you can get yourself back to you, where you find your peace.

It was day 8 of my ‘feeling sorry for myself’ mode when I received an email from the Times Square Alliance to let me know about this years Summer Solstice, an event that I look forward to participating in every year.  I registered for the information of when to register and then there it was, a video of the class that I took on June 21, 2011. I hit play and started to watch it from my desk chair, slowly my body started to soften, I was able to feel the endorphins shooting off and I was slowly finding that place inside of myself where I find peace, and something whispered to me, “Lisa why are you watching it? Why not do the practice?” There it was, the whisper, was it my voice, my higher self reminding me or something Divine trying to remind me where my soul really is? I’m not sure, however I stopped the video, rewound it and rolled out my mat, here in my bedroom and did the hour and a half practice and there I found total peace, on my mat, deep within myself. Times Square and that beautiful sunny day became my moment on a Thursday afternoon in January, and the chaos that I had allowed into my life suddenly stopped.

I remembered who I am, what makes me happy and what brings me peace.  That Saturday I returned to my yoga studio and did my practice as well and again felt that peace that can only come from within,. I started or re-started to read the books that help to remind me how lucky I am to be where I am at this moment, I began to take at least a minute out of my day to be still sometimes more than a minute.I started to reawaken and be grateful for doing so and slowly but surely I realized that going back to the old ways was what I needed to do.

Sometimes or actually very often our road is so bumpy and we often deter from our path. and that’s okay. When we are on that new path the one we followed, that’s when we ask ourselves the questions, what is this here to teach me, am I in the right place, what it is that makes me happy? What is my purpose? Do we continue on that path or find our way back to the one we started on?

I have learned that the bumps are also there so that we can learn our lessons, without these we don’t grow so they are very much needed. It’s okay to get lost and feel sad, it’s okay to feel as if our world is crumbling down around us. Sometimes we need to fall in order to get up stronger. Sometimes you have to love and lose and sometimes we love and lose the same person in order to learn that we are capable of loving at all, or maybe it’s as simple as there was unfinished business between the two souls. I do know that no one can make us happy but ourselves and yes, I am happy, despite this, I am truly happy.

The lesson for me is to know when to know when to walk away, when to know the time is right to say it’s okay to love but not stay, to move forward and let go. Let go with love and not allow myself to create dis-ease within my body so that I can fulfill my purpose, what ever that might be. I might not know my full purpose but what I do know is that it’s not to sit in my pajamas, at home on a daily basis not doing the things that keep me healthy and feeling good.

So when my friend asked me “how are you feeling” and my response was ‘oddly, very good” , I realize now that the reason I feel so good is because I put  down the anger, resentment, hostility, betrayal, guilt and all things that create dis-ease and got back to ME and focused on the positive stuff, feeling good, doing my yoga practice and not just the physical practice but living yoga, breathing yoga. I became more focused on remembering how important it is to stay the path, keep the focus and stay true to myself and last but certainly not least surround myself with like minded friends who love from their true hearts and a true place.

My perspective has shifted, I’m feeling good, and I’m extremely grateful for that.

Namaste

Lisa ૐ

Awareness, Mindfulness, living in our Consciousness, these are all words that have become so familiar lately. Most of us have heard the words, noticed the changes within ourselves as we’ve noticed the subtle changes in the world as well as our surroundings, or maybe some haven’t and that’s okay.  “Be the change you want to see in the world”,  has been the most common quote that I’ve seen lately and it really does make sense, change can’t begin in the world until we change from within first, until we look inside of ourselves, at the deepest aspect of who we are, what we want, and how we want to move forward in our lives and all of that can’t be done without being mindful, aware and conscious.

How many of us walk through our lives taking steps, without actually acknowledging the actual steps we are taking? How many breaths do we take without appreciating the fact that we are actually breathing? When the sun comes up in the morning, do you look outside and say thank you and appreciate the fact that you are here to see it? When someone who is in need to speak to you reaches out, do you put down your busy life to listen?

We all can get caught up in the busyness of life, rushing through every aspect of what we have to do, when it has to be done, I have to get here, I have to get there, I have this to do, that to do and I have no time to do this or that and before we know it we might lose sight of the important things, the small things that actually mean the world to us.  We wind up walking or running through life anxiously getting to the next thing, not noticing the small things, like the steps we are taking to get to where we are walking or running to. We wind up not even realizing that our breath has become short and rapid instead of slow, controlled and appreciated, maybe even filling our lungs to capacity and allowing them to completely empty. We might not notice the beauty of the sun as she rises and the amazing wonder as the moon comes in to take her place at dusk. And we might get so busy that we can’t take the time to hear or spend precious moments with those whom we love the most whether that be friends or family, even though we mean to, because we assume they’ll just always be there….until the moment they’re not because yes, sometimes that. the other part of life happens too.

Mindful aware movements make a whole world of difference. Living with MS has taught me to appreciate awareness, slowing down and living in my consciousness. I have to step, walk, talk and do all things mindfully to be sure that I don’t drop, fall or hurt myself. By learning this lesson of slowing down and mindful movement it’s allowed me to actually ‘stop and smell the roses’ so to speak in every aspect of my life. Things many rush through, I no longer rush through, including the act of eating…why “nibble through life when you can taste it right”? (someone wise taught me that)

MS can be disabling if you allow it, just as life with it’s ups and downs can be, however when we slow down, take a step back into awareness and move consciously through life, we can see the beauty and appreciate all things, even and including the gift of something as large as Multiple Sclerosis.

I call Multiple Sclerosis a gift because even now, when again it’s being a challenge for me, I keep in mind that MS and it’s challenges brings the ‘gift’ of awareness. The gift is the awareness and mindfulness and living in my consciousness. I stop and slow down. I stop and appreciate that today I got up and walked, I stop and realize that today I woke up and noticed the sun and tonight I will notice the moon as she takes her place in the night sky. I am aware of my breath and I take full deep breaths completely filling and emptying out my lungs. I notice that I’m not alone on my journey, and that I have friends as well as all I have to do is go within for the answers. I am mindful of my friends and am here for them when they need me, despite my own clutter. 

Most importantly I am mindful, aware and conscious that I am in need of taking care of me first so that I can go on to enjoy this great life that I’ve been gifted with. I am grateful for today as I was able to write this blog….Namaste

Lisa Bachrach

So many times we debate whether or not do do something, either by someone else, or more importantly by ourselves. Many times it’s ego that keeps us out of our own way and it’s our soul that allows us to forge ahead.

“When ego sees an obstacle, our soul sees an opportunity” Mel Hermann via Seane Corne.

This quote repeated by a very special yoga teacher while I was on vacation and will ring in my head as I forge ahead facing the many challenges in my life as a reminder as well as a positive mantra for me, I hope it will for you too.

Our soul always knows what is better for us, all we have to do is ‘listen’, close our eyes, go deep within and listen to the whispers of our heart. That is our soul speaking to us. “Opportunity awaits you, go forward, I love you”

How many of you wondered; can I do yoga?  Will I be able to do this? Should I do this?  Before finally coming to that place in your heart that said, yes I can.

How many of us throughout our daily lives are faced with circumstances, otherwise known as challenges, and we are asked to question whether or not we can do it, either by ourselves or by someone else. 

And how many times do we question these things and find out that if we face the challenge head on, how brave we are?

How many of us were told that we have MS and decided AT THAT very moment not to give up and how many of us KNOW someone who was diagnosed with MS and watched as THEY chose to forge ahead bravely and not give up?

I know this past year, and in the past 81/2 years I’ve faced many challenges, not only with MS, but in my personal life, from striving to become a yoga teacher, to trying to overcome my fear of teaching to even getting up in front people to speak….yet each time I’m faced with these challenges, I also ask myself, to make a choice…and each time I choose to be brave and forge ahead, knowing that in the end courage allows MY dreams to come to fruition. 

My dream to bring the gift of yoga to all of you is proof of that.

When we face something others might turn away from THAT is courage.

When we fear it, it takes courage to admit that we fear it and then it takes courage to overcome it. We can’t really have one without the other can we?

Before beginning your practice each time you come to your mat, I ask you to set an intention, whether it’s being grateful for all that you have or for the simple fact that you all have overcome fear by showing courage at one time or another, or maybe your intention is for someone else that you know, who has also done that.

 I’d like to leave you all with this quote by M. Scott Peck…“Courage is not the absence of fear; it is doing something in spite of fear. It is taking the step towards your dreams in spite of the odds against you.” 

Namaste Lisa Bachrach

I’ve discovered there is a fine line between hope and denial. I’ve been living more in denial than I have ever realized and now hope is all I have left.

For years, maybe even longer than I realized, I’ve been the leader, the support group, as many say ‘an inspiration’. I’m seen as a strong woman and someone who can withstand anything. I strive to always ‘look’ good despite how I’m really feeling inside. I was asked recently to take a look at that, where is that coming from? What is it about me, that feels that I have to “appear” to be okay, when I’m really not okay? “Why or what is it about me that always has to do it right?”  The answer came to me quite easily,” “it seems to be what’s expected of me.”

Isn’t it sad? When I can be feeling as sick as the many other’s diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, feeling as if I’d like to stick my head in the ground, not get up and do my hair, put on my makeup and ‘appear” to be just fine, for fear of judgment from those who hold me to the highest of standards?

Who set those standards? Did I unintentionally set them when I spent the last 8 years fighting a disease the best that I knew how to by keeping a positive attitude, hiding behind the mask of what I was really feeling? By not allowing myself to be true and showing the anger that this disease makes me feel? Did I create this monster by allowing everyone that I care about to think that just because I look good, I must not really be feeling as badly inside because on the outside I appear to be okay?
I offer out so much of myself, somehow, somewhere in the shuffle I forgot to or missed the part where I’m supposed to say, “hey wait, I need help.”
I guess, I assumed that those closest to me, those within my MS world, those who love me, those who think that they know me, could look deeper than the surface and intuitively know that there is more going on than the pretty face that they see.

My body is changing, the disease has been changing, It’s an ongoing process, it never gets better, it has it’s moments where I seem okay, some days much better than others. I am grateful for so much, I’ve been practicing yoga, kept a mostly positive attitude, I eat healthy and if I hadn’t done all of that these past 8 years, I’m nearly sure this disease would have knocked me down by now. I will continue to do all of this, but now my options have changed, I have to go on medications that have their risks, may or may not work and there are parts inside of me that are breaking, that are not visible to others.
People seem surprised when I tell them that my disease has been getting worse, but here’s the thing,  I’ve been feeling it inside of me,  yet I sit in the silence of my pain for fear I might lose all that I’ve come to love because they might not be able to handle what is happening to me. In the back of my mind I wonder if I say too much will I spook them again? Where is the point where I’m allowed to talk about what is going on with me and the point of scaring someone? I’m scared, doesn’t that matter? Am I weak because I’m allowing myself to fear? Am I weak because I’m allowing myself to feel?

There is judgment everywhere, gosh I was even called out at my own doctors office. Someone saw me there with my cane, this person, not meaning to be hurtful, thought because they see me on facebook, through my pictures and because  I “appear” to be fine, gave me a look that was oh so obvious. this look was later confirmed when in a private message they wrote to me and asked why I was using a cane, they also stated how surprised they were to see me this way because they see how “good” I look on facebook, of course I understood where this came from but, this came from one of my own. Can anyone imagine how that must have felt to be called out by one of our own? I use my cane when I have to, unwilling participant in this disease I call it, but I have bad days just like many of us who have MS. I don’t like to use my supportive devices but do when I have to. Even my yoga mat is a supportive device, it’ keeps me quite grounded.

I’ve heard supportive things, “Lisa you are the strongest person I know, you’ll get through this”, Lisa, you inspire me and so many others, you’ll beat this” and while all of these things are wonderful to hear,and touch me deeply, the problem is the burden of it all. It’s like a double edged sword, in one way it helps me to come out of that dark place and picks me back up but in other ways it doesn’t allow me the support that I need, if I’m caring for everyone else, when do I get cared for?  How can I be this pillar of strength, this inspiration to so many, when I at this very moment can’t find that strength to inspire myself?

What I need is my community, my friends, those people that I love to hold me up and say to me, “what is it you need from me to help you through this, I’m here for you, what can I do for you?” Sadly no one has said this to me, not one person and although this might sound like a pity party to some, this is me being my authentic self, speaking my truth.

I’ve done my part in all of this,and I’m proud of it.  I’ve done seva, I’ve been fighting this MonSter we call MS, I will continue to fight it the best way that I know how to, but even the strongest of people sometimes need to lean on someone. Sometimes we need to just look like shit because that is truly how we feel, it’s not because we want attention or feel that if we ‘look’ the part that then someone will notice how sick we really are, it’s simply because we don’t feel well.

How many of the normal people you know when they have a flu, get up, take a shower, put on makeup, do their hair just so that they look good despite of how they feel, so to impress those around them or so that no one will be able to see what they are trying to hide? I’m nearly sure no one does that, so why is it unacceptable for us? Why is it that when I feel so awful, that I can’t just lay in bed, not get up, not impress, not look good without feeling as if I’ll be judged for doing it, or fear that I’ll be looked at as if I’m letting myself go, when that’s not what I’m doing, it’s just that I feel awful and have no desire to ‘look the part”

The time has come for me to be truthful, to lift the veil, I am angry, I am hurting inside, I am in need of support. I don’t want or need pity, I don’t need someone feeling sorry for me, that’s not what I’m about, that’s not what any of us are about.  The way I hold someone else’s hand when they are in need, the way I intuitively know how to help, the way I can look inside and see what it is in someone’s heart that will help, that’s what I need. I don’t want to have to explain or whine about my problems, I just want to be understood. I can’t  necessarily control what is going on, I’m fighting it the best way that I know how to, but when I need to sleep, rest or take a break, just know why…don’t ask …maybe do something to make It easier …

Satya Truth will set you free…

]]> http://www.lisabachrach.com/archives/156/feed 0 http://www.lisabachrach.com/archives/69 http://www.lisabachrach.com/archives/69#comments Mon, 31 Jan 2011 22:34:09 +0000 Lisa Bachrach-Zeankowski http://www.lisabachrach.com/?p=69

Santosha~ Contentment is the second Niyama in the 8 limbs of Yoga We all would love to come to this place of contentment, in the yoga philosophy, otherwise known as Santosha. I believe that for the most part, I have found this place within my life and it all began the day I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.   Although this might sound odd to most, but it’s when something throws you off or pulls the rug out from under you, a series of events begin to happen. This series of events can either take you to a place of contentment or a place of fear. There are always two paths one can choose to take, I chose contentment, however, at that time I had no idea that was the path I was about to embark upon. Santosha involves the practice of gratitude and joyfulness offers, attempting at your very best to maintaining calm no matter what, keeping equanimity through all that life offers or even throws at you. This state of mind does not depend on external causes, whether physical, mental or an act of God. ~So how did I come to my Santosha~ In 2002, a single mom of 3 working and doing what all moms do, taking care of my children, participating in after school events, sports, homework for a child in kindergarten, one in nursery school and a one year old, I was doing what most were doing, making it all work. I had a series of issues for years prior and during but no answers, until September 24, 2002. After many tests for unknown causes of symptoms that went on for years, a diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis was made and with that my very first exacerbation and the endless navigation of discovering the new me. After I was diagnosed, I called the National MS Society, I was on a mission, I started my first MS walk team, began an online support group and pretty much surrounded myself with only those who understood what it was like to have MS.  Apparently all of this external keeping myself active, surrounding myself with a lot of MS only activities kept a very strong focus on this disease which now began to define me. I went every year having a relapse on my diagnosis date and sunk into the pity party that most know as the MS blues. I kept on going though, each year doing the MS walk, being a team captain, raising money, going to conferences, running my online support group, met wonderful people, however it was all about Multiple Sclerosis. I had no idea who Lisa was, if someone asked me to define myself or tell them about me, back then, I’d have said,  “I’m a mom, I’m so and so’s girlfriend, I’m an ex wife, I have MS. I had no hobbies, no outside interests, I was a book with blank pages.” It wasn’t until November 2007 that something in me decided it was time to change something, I didn’t know what it was, but something had to give. I didn’t feel ‘balanced’ and I don’t mean that in a physical way. I started a search for a yoga studio, figuring this will help with my balance and strength, little did I know just how much it would help, and so much more than physically. Once again, I had no idea what was in store for me once I sat down on that yoga mat. I sat on my mat for the first time in January 2007 and haven’t stopped doing yoga since. Something happened that day, I can’t quite put it into words, but there was a shift of energy, there was ‘balance’, not physical balance, the balance I found came from deep within me. There it was that moment, my aha moment, I found out that inner peace, balance and empowerment doesn’t come from outside of us, it comes from deep inside of us.  We can do everything for everyone, raise money, educate others, totally give of ourselves, however if you don’t discover who you are, if you don’t find peace within, there can’t be contentment. Without that state of mind all of your actions are not coming from a place of ‘gratitude and joyfulness’, it’s coming from a place of fear, you’re on auto pilot. Finding out who you are, taking care of you,  before you start helping others is of utmost importance. What’s that saying? “You can’t help anyone else until you help yourself first.” How true that is. In August of 2008 I had my first Healing and Moving for a Cure 3rd party fundraiser, named after two of my friends mom’s who passed away of complications of MS, with the money raised from this fundraiser, we started a program at the National MS Society’s Long Island Chapter for home health aide assistance, This program is called The Kathleen Valachi~Catherine Caldarella Memorial Fund Home Health Aide Assistance Program.  We have had this fundraiser now every year since 2008 and look forward to repeating it every year until the day nursing homes are no longer used in lieu of homecare for those living with MS. I am still an active member and team captain of the NMSS LI Chapter and collectively my team and I have raised over $50,000 over the past 8 years since I’ve been diagnosed and all money raised during the MS walk also goes towards my program within our chapter. Since being diagnosed I have been a patient advocate for Biogen Idec and have spoken at several MS informational events, bringing real life, “how to live well with MS”, stories  to those just like myself. In June of 2010 after 3 years of taking yoga as a practitioner my friend and yoga teacher, Laurie Ahlemann , felt that I was ready and recommended that I enter into her teacher training program at Long Island Yoga School, and study to earn my 200 hour yoga teaching certification. I had no intention of teaching, I went in just to deepen my practice, so I thought. I am very proud to say that I completed my training, and have since started a Free Yoga for MS program. This program takes place at Simplicity Yoga Studio at Kings Park and Absolute Yoga Studio in Woodbury with an evening program being worked on as well at another location, soon to be announced. Without the generosity of these studio owners, Rosanne Sihler, Leslie Luft and all of those who give of themselves by volunteering to teach this program wouldn’t be possible. When I graduated my teacher training in June, my attitude towards not wanting to teach had shifted, like so many other things along this journey. What began as a ‘deepening’ of my practice took on a new life. This teacher training was a gift to me, how does one repay a gift? You gift it back…My gift back is to bring yoga back to those living with MS, like myself, to show them that if they too believe that they can, that anything is possible. Today if someone says, Lisa, how do you define yourself?  I’m a happy empowered, balanced woman, who practices yoga (not just physically, it’s a way of life), reads, loves to laugh, has a great sense of humor, finds it very rewarding to help others. I have 3 children, one of whom is in college, I happen to have MS and I’m doing great! I truly believe if those we bring yoga to, within the MS Community, can spend just a moment on their mat, like I did 4 years ago and sit quietly, even if it’s just to breathe,  leaving the MS outside that door of the studio and find out who they are, if they can go within and maintain calm, if they can somehow find it within themselves to keep equanimity through all that life throws at them at one time or another, then perhaps, if only for that hour on the mat, they too, will find their Santosha Namaste…

]]> http://www.lisabachrach.com/archives/69/feed 0 http://www.lisabachrach.com/archives/8 http://www.lisabachrach.com/archives/8#comments Sun, 30 Jan 2011 18:12:36 +0000 Lisa Bachrach-Zeankowski http://www.lisabachrach.com/?p=8